walking away

R&R ended today. It was 14 days (and a few hours) of feeling complete, something I haven't felt in 7 months, thanks to Uncle Sam and OEF 2008-2009. Not that I resent being an Army spouse, per se, but I definitely have my bitter "I hate this" days. Point of fact, today. Watching my husband board an airplane bound for a mountain top base camp where PEOPLE WANT HIM TO DIE. Me, I'd very much appreciate him not dying. I imagine that our 9 month old son agrees with me, though he did go the full two weeks without saying "dada" TO his daddy. It's a trick though, he held out on purpose, because the minute we got home sans dad, he started crawling around looking for and calling for "dataa!" Insert big fat tears from me (payback for mentally patting myself on the back for keeping it together post 7am airport breakdown). How do you explain to a child who barely understands his own name that his daddy won't be around for a while? That his big snuggly friend who sneaks him chocolate milk when mommy isn't looking, puts his diapers on way too tight and oddly crooked, boils him alive in the shower (which he LOVES, by the way), and thinks that he hung the moon each time he flashes his snaggle-toothed grin, won't be back for 4-5 more months? I have yet to find the answer to that question. I just gave him lots of extra hugs and kisses (and, okay, some Cheetos, which he smeared all over his diaper and threw on the floor for later) and told him that I miss daddy too, and that he'd be here with us if he could. Who knows if he really comprehended, but he did get a really thoughtful look on his face each time I told him. I do all I can for him, but dad appearing definitely pointed out to me that I, on my own, am not enough for my son. Cue more heartbreak and staggering insecurities, but it's true. I am no daddy. But until the original comes back, I hope my son can handle just me.