9/11

My younger brother came barging into my room that morning, just before 9am (central time). He had this weird, panicked look on his face, and said, "A plane crashed into the World Trade Center." I argued with him for a minute in disbelief, before I realized my skinny white brother was just too pale to be lying. I went downstairs to my mom's room, where she was sitting on the floor, holding my then two year old brother in her arms, just horror-struck. As I looked towards her small TV set, saw the smoke and fire, and heard the fear in the voices on the television, my heart sank, and my life was forever altered.

Throughout the coming months and years to follow, as our country banded together and geared up for the fight that is still ongoing, 8 years later, my brother and I were struck with the unwavering desire to help. Of course, at 10 and 13, there wasn't much we could do. But I remember feeling so angry and so helpless. I didn't know how I'd help, but I vowed someday, I would. When the War on Terror began, I had my answer. I turned to my mom one day and informed her, point blank, that I'd be enlisting into the military when I was old enough. I was going to DO something.

5 years and 2 months later, still holding on to the promise, I raised my hand and swore to defend my country against all enemies, both foreign and domestic. When I shipped for basic training in January of 2007, I was nervous, sure, but not afraid. I knew whatever I had to go through, I would bear. I had no qualms about my choice. No lack of steel in my spine when it came to years of my life spent in the desert. If I did start to lose my faith in myself, all I had to do was remember the smoke rising and hear the haunting screams of people running away from the epicenter that is Ground Zero, and once again, I was ready for anything.

Now, 8 years later, my life looks quite different. After 7 months in training, I was given a medical discharge from the Army, due to injuries sustained during training. I now have a 10 month old son that I'm raising on my own, and the only support I can give to the war effort at this time is the sacrifice of my husband for a year or more as he himself serves our country in the same effort. I still hold a great love for my country in my heart. My husband and I will raise our son to have the same respect for what America stands for as we do.

Will I re-enlist someday? I have hope that I will. Right now, it's not something I can do in good conscience, with a small child at home and his daddy in a war zone himself. But as I watch the footage of that awful day run again, I'm struck with all the same feelings. I want to help. I want to do something. And most importantly of all, I have hope that, just as before, our country will rise from the ashes, stronger and smarter. We will pass this test.

I ain't missin' you at all since you've been gone...

I've been lying to myself these days...

I've realized the past couple of weeks that the only reason I was "coping" so well with the deployment the past 7 1/2 months (wow) was that I was able to talk to my husband almost every day. Now, it's been one day shy of two weeks and we've talked four times. One line emails included in that count! I. am. losing. it. As much as I am his support, he is absolutely, 100%, mine. He's my encouragement when I feel like everything is going wrong. He helps "shore up my defenses" when I just can't take another damn thing. And now... I'm feeling very alone in a time when I need him more than ever. Between little things (like the baby cutting teeth), to big things (like our first REAL house and moving by myself), to scary things (like finding out if we can have any more kids on Tuesday), to sad things (my best friend's grandpa just died today), to happy things (another good friend is in labor right now), I can't share my heart and my life with him. It makes me feel isolated, and a little resentful.

I CAN do all these things on my own, and this is not to imply that I don't have a great support system in place, but you all know that nothing replaces the support of your mate. Even when he's totally clueless as to how I'm feeling and what I'm going through, he's just... well, he's just my penguin (you know, they mate for life... aww big sigh from the audience) and I need him.

Dear Husband, please come home soon. I miss laughing with you, and chasing you all over the bed at night to cuddle, watching you play with our son, and making fun of the gooey eyes you give me when you don't even have to say how much you love me. I miss you, and everything about you. Even your gross wet towels all over my house. I love you.

just call me the bitch of the brigade

So I went to dinner with a friend last night (our husbands are in the same unit, thus the friendship BUT if there were any other way for us to have met I firmly believe we'd have been friends regardless!) and we were re-hashing the drama that inevitable comes during a deployment.

First of all, let me say, I am not perfect. I've not been the most amazing wife to my husband, I have definitely given him cause to shake his head and call me a psycho bitch (I do blame post partum depression, a redhead's temper and a deployment for adding to this but let's be real I'm not always rational when everything is RIGHT in my world), but I am NOT THAT BAD. Unless, as a side note, you ask my mother in law. She is still (after 2 1/2 years) trying to get my husband back together with his ex (who is ALSO married with THREE kids). But as usual, I digress.

So ANYWAY, over burgers and fries (which I got to eat like 3 of because my son was apparently starving- see, again, rabbit trails) we went through the list of "Shit That Ashley Has Done" in the past 7 months. I also added more that I thought of later that people said about me during this deployment. May I just say, had ANY of this been true, I might be inclined to be impressed with myself for being so very evil and still managing to look cute in family pictures. May I also say, I have new friends. Ha.

Alright so seriously, here's the list (of outright lies but hopefully that's understood):
-Had a threesome with my neighbors instead of going to an FRG meeting
-Got our FRG leader fired
-Spread rumors about aforementioned burger buddy's husband having an affair (IN AFGHANISTAN)
-Spent all my husband's money on supporting another man
-Had a baby (well, same baby I have now) by another man (hopefully the above mooch?)
-Broke up a marriage (also due to my slutty slutty ways... man I hope I at least had some good orgasms for all the sex I had!)

I think that's it... But seriously people. Even people who don't LIKE me for reasons of their own have said, "You know, I really don't think she'd do that..."
But you know. Sex starved women will do anything for attention. And apparently that includes attacking one of their fellow sex starved women and trying to crush her like a bug. Well guess what bitches, just think of me as a cockroach! No pun intended with the cock reference. :)

Wow, I really hope my grandma reads this post!

FTC (failure to conceive)

I finally heard from my husband-- I say FINALLY, cause we typically talk every day or close to it, deployment be damned. I was able to give him some updates on the personal chaos that ensued after he left and we just made small talk until I had to tell him, no, I'm not pregnant. He was so disappointed. I could read it all over his... typing? It's not that we were really PLANNING for another baby pre-R&R, but we both got "baby fever" pretty hard when he was home, and spent a lot of time sharing our hopes and dreams and trying to plan out how to fit another small person into our lives when our current small-ish person takes up SO much of the space in our home and hearts. But we wanted it, we were prepared. And it's not that we can't try again when he gets home, it's just the initial "failure" with the inability to continue to try for another almost half of a year. When we were trying to get pregnant the first time, it wasn't a huge deal if it didn't work right away (it only took 3 months so I'm not really complaining), because he was HOME and we had TIME. It was a luxury that we took for granted the entire time before he left. I had gotten the negative results via an unrelated ER visit two days earlier... I was disappointed, sure, but not really upset because I was dealing with so much else. Now, though, telling him forced me to face head on how I really feel. And I admit, I'm sad. And I can also admit that I don't feel like I can really talk to people about how I feel, because almost NO ONE in my life supports the idea of another baby so soon (our son is 9 months old). I know, it's not up to anyone else, but it's hard to share your heart with someone when you can feel the judgement vibes rolling off of them. It shouldn't matter, it's not the end of the world, but it does matter and it just really sucks right now.