The C Word

I don't even know where to begin. My mind is such a mess right now that nothing I type goes into any order. I don't want to panic, I don't want to cry and freak out and freak everyone else out... But let's face it, it's a big fucking shit your pants kind of deal when you drag your 9 month old baby in with you to the "lady doctor" and they tell you that pain you've been living with for a month is actually a mass the size of a golf ball in your ovary and that it shows indications of being cancerous. Cue pale(r) face and my third anxiety attack in 5 hours just typing this. As soon as I had cell service (thanks T-Mobile for SUCKING up here), I called my mom and told her. She said, "You know I think there's a statistic that says 1 in 3 people get cancer. We're a family of 7." Apparently since my baby brother got cancer last year, it's my turn to even up the stats. Awesome!

It just seems really surreal to be going in for tests and labs to check for further growth and to check my cell counts and all these things that I know because of my brother, but never crossed my mind even once when I was worrying about what the doctor might tell me is wrong. I did ask the doctor about the other worries I was having-- PCOS, surgery, no more kids-- apparently they're all valid concerns if I don't have cancer! Eeeeevennnn better.

I'm scared, I'm angry, and I want my mom/husband/family around. Lucky for me, everyone else is going through lots of trauma and drama of their own, so while they are lending moral support, no one can rush to my side and hold my hand. Maybe I'm getting more of a lesson than I could have ever dreamed in dealing with scary shit on my own. I'm not blaming anyone for having other things to deal with. It's just all really shitty timing. I feel like I need to be there for everyone else as they deal through their issues, and now it turns out I have enough on my own plate that I can't save the world around me as well.