desires of your heart

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted to be a mom. When other kids wanted to be doctors and lawyers and teachers, I always just wanted to be a mom. I've always wanted lots of kids. By lots, I mean like 4 or 5 (No TLC special for me, cause if I do it naturally, who could top the Duggars (and WHO would try?), and hello, we're military-- we's too broke to do it any other way BUT naturally!). I married someone whose heart's desire was also a big family (though he'd like his own baseball team). We got married and never once considered waiting until later to start our family-- 3 months into our marriage, we found out I was pregnant with our son. We were over-stinking-joyed. My husband started talking about baby number two in the hospital ON delivery day (telling our son he needed a baby sister now). I wasn't ready quite that quickly, I wanted to at least let my stitches heal, but by R&R I was ready as well. Of course, we didn't get pregnant, and now I am finding out why... And also that more children may not be an option for us.

I won't lie. That. Breaks. My. Heart. I just can't understand why God would put the desire in my husband and I SO strong for a big family, and then take the option away. It says in the Bible that God will give you the desires of your heart. And I'm so angry. Absolutely devastated. I feel utterly betrayed by my body and things beyond my control. Because even if I don't have cancer, the doctor says I probably have PCOS, and may (read probably will) need surgery to remove at least one ovary (He also informed me that I have the beginnings of the same problem I have on my right side, on my left side).

I just don't understand. I keep saying that. And I keep crying. I think I'm more stressed about that than the cancer possibility. Cancer I can beat. Straight inability to have children? It makes me doubt EVERYTHING. And I mean everything. God, my marriage's ability to withstand infertility, myself, myself, myself.

I don't know what to think anymore.