Sometimes, you just have "one of those days." Sometimes, "one of those days," turns into a week or two. Cue the story of my life. I think I'm at the point, almost 9 months in, where I just can't take it any more. I've said it before, when I get upset and miss my husband too much, but really... I've stopped saying it. As if to say the words aloud sap the last iota of courage and strength flowing through my veins. As if admitting that I'm having a hard time is to hang my head in defeat. It's not just the deployment, though. If it were just missing my husband for a year, it'd suck a lot of sweaty ass, but I could do it. It's the everything else thrown in for good measure. It's having to deal with life going on without your spouse. Birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries, first steps/words/haircuts of our child, moments in time that we'll never get back. It's the car battery dying, and 10 feet of snow overnight when the baby has a doctor's appointment. It's so many things that to list them would be like trying to count stars.
It's hard to justify what he's doing, what I'm doing, at this point, when it's been so long, you tend to run out of ways to placate yourself and you just try to push it out of your mind and get through 5 more minutes, and then 5 more.
One upside (besides not having to share the remote), though, is definitely the other spouses and dependents. I've found a community, a family in them that I never could have imagined. Anywhere I turn, in person or online, someone understands, someone can relate. Of course when you just want to be pissed and everyone around you knows how you feel, it does take a bit of the fire out of it, but that's pretty rare for me. Anyway this big long thing is just basically a thanks. To any and all of you who have listened to me and will continue to stand by me and help hold me up when I stumble under the pressure. Know that no matter what, I'll be there to do the same for you.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I'm sorry ash. I love you :)
ReplyDeleteOh, I am so where you are now and I totally understand. Thank you to you as well, for being supportive and understanding and for being another amazing person in my corner. I am in yours too and, even if it is just 5 minutes at a time, we will get through this- together!
ReplyDeleteI totally get that. I'm having a bit of a hard time dealing with everything in a place where NO one understands...they have sympathy, but they really don't "get" it. I like reading your blogs and that sort of thing, because I feel like it keeps me connected to other people who are going through it all, too...the deployment, the babies, everything, haha.
ReplyDeleteAnother site that has helped me is christianmilitarywives.com ...it's a military wife website without the drama, or at least as little drama as a bunch of ladies could possibly not have. You should join!